the memorial I meant to give on cruise for my dad

AS much as I hated to add a sad note to our first barlin 11 family cruise, I did. My father had no memorial. we nevergto to see him alive or dead/ never got to hold his hand warm or cold.never got to kiss his hand,kiss his lips........and whisper in his ear my promise to never forget him or let his memory die while I lived.But luckily, my chidren, pop pops oldest grandchildren needed some sort of farewell to him as I did so my darlin children were more than eager to go along with my plan to give a memorial to dad aboard the LEGEND . allow each to say a few words or not as they wished . Then to spread dads ashes to the ocean waters he loved so much among the beautiful fish he loved to dance with.
We planned our memorial for the last night out at sea. At sunset. on the deck lowest to the water where it spoke back to us its sweet meolody ................" we stand ready to accept Joe De Baun into our safe and loving arms. We loved him too. We love him still. He will change with us as all things do in the oceans of the world always into something more than before.our promise to you his little guppys".
SO AT SUNSET OUR LAST DAY AT SEA, WE MET ON THE LOWEST DECK NEAR THE MOST PRIVATE PLACE WE COULD FIND. third teens joined us there with no signs of leaving to give us peace and I spoke louder with no intention of giving them privacy......I won. well you cant really beat a weeping and wailing old lady wuth a jar of ashes in her arms.......piss me off enough they could end up on you....who knows............
as the sun set, I began , we had no music with us although we did think of somed great things to play in the backround, it was space that stopped thast, airlines are making it more and more difficult to pack. one day I am sure we will be down and your ticket, to nothing but a toothbrush, a wallet
So I began.It was my job. Though I could barely speak, it was my place to begin the
I can not remember a word of what I did say but I do have written down what I had hoped to cover even if only a little bit.
I apologized for brink=ging this bit of sadness to our first ever vacation together, if it took us all their lives to do it once, Id be dead before we got to vacation again, si =o I wished I did not need to do this but I did need to ddo it. NY DADDY BESEERVED SOMEONE TO READ WORDS OVER HIM LISTENED TO BY HIUS GRANDCHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN MAYBE TO REMEMBERED EVEN IF ONLY IN PART AS THEY GROW AND RECALL THIS ODD CRUISE THEY TOOK IN 2010 WITH GRANDMA AND PAPA.

My daddy was the original quiet man. He really never spoke until after he retired and then he never shut up again. he was a man of few words............for years I thought my name was whike you are up............ ( get me a beer).He was the hero of my life brought down from the screen and real to me. a poor mans John waynehe could swim like johnny weismeller and call to the animals with the same beautiful song tarzan sang on screen. dad had a lovely singing voice. I could listen to it for hours and often did. whether I wanted to or not.
I was his first born his daughter not born a son but I did all I could every chance I got,,,everychallange I got to prove myself better than any son could have been and I did. I did it. I have a theory on how but that is for another day. this is for dad. I could out run any boy . play every position in baseball and be a valued player. I could beat them all in a race. and swimming ..well, who could hope to outswim the child of tarzan. no one I wager.nor did anyone. I could hold my breathe so long under water peoplewould begin to worry : where is Diane?" but my parents would answer withouteven looking up. "oh she is out there swimming underwater somewhere. She will come up when she runs out of breathe.....of course mom amd dad missed completeky the bewildered looks on the faces of their listeners............but As u can see. I did come up eventually.

the vows I meant to say

while on our cruise,the 40th anniversary cruise, Irv and I renews our vows. I began mine after Irv read his but as I finished my first page of mine.little page I assure you, Irv was overwhelmed and believing that to be my ending,he kissed me.the kids clapped..........it seemed the wrong moment to announce I wasn't finished........................
so here they are unabridged.no kiss or hug to interfere ( as nice as it was).
What could I give in our renewal of vows to the man who vowed to love me as no man has ever or would ever and then did just that. You vowed to me a family, a home full of love like the fairy tales you said you saw in my eyes and heard in my voice. You gave me all that and more. 40 years your bride on an everlasting honeymoon we have faced the good times and bad, the happy and sad in health but mostly sickness ( all mine)
Mostly we had humor and laughter even on our darkest days. even in every day little things others miss.and yes, The magic I found in all that. you were the magic that began my life. The day we met, was the day I was born. The day you looked at me with me was the day Magic found me.
Maybe the first 40 years are the easiest. God knows the next 40 years cant be our best. But even so
I PROMISE PROMISE to wake up each day loving you with e the same passion i felt the first night we met.
I promise promise to LISTEN to you even when you drone on about golf for hours in a language I will never begin to understand. par par bogie bogie par par???????
What I have to give may not be much but all I have to give I do give to you happily.
I PROMISE PROMISE to love you more tomorrow than I do today ( right after I kiss the ground grateful that I HAVE woken up to another day.
I promise PROMISE to make wherever we are a magic haven for you and for me - hopefully keeping the world outside at bay.
I PROMISE PROMISE TO BE THAT FUNNY witty naive girl you fell in love with. She is still in here. A bit older and worst for wear but also a bit wiser. But as often as I can track her down, I will drag her home and be her again.
I promise promise to be a wife to you in equal measure to the husband you have always been to me.
We met as babies . We grew up to adulthood together best friends , lovers confidants, protectors. So many passages we have travelled through life I now renew my vows to continue our journey together.
Now we come face to face with the most difficult trying time of life . I am not afraid because I face it with you. I promise promise................

my daddy said

in my ELEMENTRY SCHOOL year book, my dad wrote.

FIRST IN BEAUTY.

FIRST IN BRAINS

FIRST IN THE HEART OF HER FATHER.

this taught me two things about the man who bearly spoke to me.

One that he loved me

two I knew now where I got my writting ability .

if u could say I have any ability to write at all.

All of my family are artists. All but me. I could never draw a thing. But I could draw a picture with words. At least,that was what I like to tell myself.

He loved westerns and movies about the drinking brawling pub masters.

He loved the quotes I came to coin .all for his amusement

GET IT DONE JOHNNY REB

WE GO...........

IT DON'T MAKE ME NO NEVERMIND.

THAT'LL BE THE DAY.

SO WHILE DADDY NEVER SAID MUCH, IN A WAY, HE DID..........AND WHAT HE SAID WAS WORTH REMEMBERING..

tv show "lost"- alternate universes- I believe in dream world crossovers.

The Barlin 11 family cruise 2010n the way I dreams and planned it in my alternate universe. The cruise I could old with the mom s magic I was always praised to have. The magic I do wish I had.
The woman I may once have been but may never and most likely will never be again
The waters of the Caribbean would have been this overwhelming blue only the angels could have blended together with their special box of crayolas. A blue you may see in your dreams but could never truly imagine without having been on a cruise to paradise.
he air on deck cool refreshing , invigorating, A breeze that caresses your cheek and worms it way into your soul.
We'd have swam out into these waves . so beautiful you could never fear something bad could lurk beneath them. And nothing bad does., Beneath these waters waiting to greet you, to play with you are fish not even the rainbow could match. They would race out to dance with you only the music you could share with the fish down there. We'd laugh with the fish. We would try to swim like them as they laughed at our pathetic antics.
Once back on the ship, we would take a nap to refresh ourselves enough to stay away for the midnight buffet. Not because we needed more food but to see the eye popping magnificence each night. One night all sculptured in chocolates,. One night all ice sculptures only an ice queen could create. Another night all fashioned in vegetables. Oh to see the faces of our little ones. all five of them as they were wowed over and over again by visions they could not even imagine but now remember the rest of their lives. Each port more wondrous then the one before. .swimming with the dolphins. playing with the stingrays swimming between our legs caressing our calves.
Snorkeling with the rainbow colored fish off the side of a small boat in the middle of the ocean with no land to be seen in any direction. just the fish, the boat and us.......alone on this planet called ocean.
Each night we would gather for a dinner only the gods could have cooked using ambrosia and wine.n each night more of a surprise than the night before. Then outside to watch the sunset with the soft music only heard on a cruise ship......our Legend come to life............We would watch the waves beneath us as the ship sailed quietly sailing us away from the woes of the world the woes of our lives. All left behind on a shore all but forgot. the land more the unreality of our life. the ship the reality. Our protector from all that could or would try to hurt us. None able to touch us under her protection. e would all dance on our deck. the children, their parents my children, my spouse and me. All together to dance in joy for no reason but to share. No wedding, no party.just our barlin 11 dancing together. The music of the live band would drift down to us. , loud enough to hear loud enough to hear without drowning out the music of the waves. caressing the side of the ship pushing and pulling her along to happiness.
There would be some any games and fun times to enjoy every 1/2 of the day. So many it would almost be impossible to choose which to do. Some to join in the fun , others to watch, laugh and forever remember,.
The grandkids think their grandma is funny . grandma is crazy but they love watching my antics. On the cruise they would get to see their mother and father give grandmas funny and crazy a run for her money. "You are never going to see these people again.get out there and let it free"
We would fall asleep each night exhausted from the days playing/ We fall asleep with a smile on our face dreaming of what tomorrow might bring us aboard our Legend. We would explore the ship together trying to guess each of the legends depicted in its art. Then we would leave our ship. forced off by the crush of reality coming back to claim us. and we would board our plane together . All eleven of us to return home .together when grandma dreams we are each and every night of her life. together in NY or anywhere as long as it is together..... each day not together is a day lost forever. One day more of the childhood of our beloved 5 grandchildren never to be found again.
2009 kept me from making this dream come true. money always kept it at bay but 2008, I decided money could never stop us again..And my beloved life mate who has always given his Bride whatever she really wanted, gave me the promise of my cruise come true. But it was not to be. My body betrayed me. and in 2010 I could see it was happening again but this time, both he and I vowed to let nothing but death stop us. It almost did. But we stayed the course. a course only a cruise could be.

This dream become reality was not to be. no matter now I practiced and vowed it every day we "there goes mom again bringing drama into our life" How do you argue with a true statement?Instead of living the dream, my family spent their cruise trying not to leave grandma out of things. dragging her along in a wheel chair or cane.But I swear this is not me. it never has been me and it never will be ME. I dont want it to "be all about me"" I an NOT the crying moaning yenta I have observed over my lifetime. the woman I swore never to be. I am not her. So the best I can dream of now is for " a do over" In my youth, if something went wrong we would yell.."do over" and we would get the chance to do it right the next time. Most often we did...........I dont have a way to promise another family cruise but I vow to find a way even if I must sell a kidney to do it.so my last words on the subject is " DO OVER!!!!".