here I sit

I cant , I cant, cant stop thinking, what if I died tomorrow...............( or tonight( u know what I mean. What did I say to those I love today? usually not much. well, when they are in front of me I hug and kiss them and tell them I love them so much they pull out crosses and begin to chant " back , Back Back". I try to do as much as I can do as physically challenged as I am to show my feelings. actions do speak louder than words.yet, it still feels like.....................I didnt say all that needed saying...........things I wanted to do with them. I suppose I am not alone in that but I have never been one of those people who felt better when I heard that how I feel is shared by others.......................especially if it isnt something solved shared by other or not.........I prefer answers...........................................................Irv is out there. He sees then .

happy birthday little one

tomorrow is tax day. and dannika kaitlyns second birthday. this year will not be much of a celebration for her due to the economy but then what does a 2 years old need to feel special on her special day. how about a photo sitting and a happy meal. maybe pick out one toy at the toys r us shop........ hem home for dinner and an ice cream birthday cake with your grandmas and grandpas all there to sing happy birthday to you....Special enough I think.

Easter

the week that ended yesterday with easter was as froth with problems and situations as all the weeks had since the new year began. I had a car acident in sc. not a big deal I guess but a first for me so it was a big deal . we were so far from home and planning to drive back to ny the next day. would the car be able to make the trip. could we pack this little car. we are accustomed to m big van but wonder if in its advanced age it could make the trip. so much so much, so now I think maybe our winters n sc are at an end for . they are great for irv he golfs but I dont . if I cant sit on the beach or cant walk with Friends around town to pass time . there is no sense me being there.the day I drove to the train station to pick up Irving and one grandson after a trip to the museum, I saw a turkey run across the double road in front of my car. it barely missed me but immediately after a second turkey twice the size flew across the road at windshield level. I missed it. no damage to car or birds.but odd to see turkeys fly across the road. the next day, my daughter called to tel me her husband was waiting for the police . a turkey flew into his windshield and busted it all up,..not drivable. terrible to be sure...........................

youth

today I was thinking about that line ...............................youth is a state of mind..................I was looking at my 13 year old granddaughter. who has just come into her own.........she is so lovely. so lean and healthy. and it came to me............who are they kidding???????????????????? you are as young as you feel. that s the truth. and if you have some medical problem's especially the ones that last and last with little relief. you have have the heart o a lion and the joy of a child but you will feel terrible............You will be forced to work within the boundaries of your own body. That is always always pretty. Trust me. I feel old.older than any lady I know. and I know some damn old ladies....................you have any idea how depressing that can be. but I fight the depression DO you know why.........??? Because this is as good as it gets. every day. what you have is how it is. you can make the most of it or fall under the weight of it. its up to you......It isnt easy. The longer the struggle goes on, the more you want to just cry and rage again the unfairness of it all but that Will get you noting but more of the same and a worse day than you had yesterday because this day you don't even have you on your side. when that day comes, you have truly lost.......... if meds work get a doctor who apreicates your need for them and how often you nned them. if you need surgury , dont ut it off,,the older you get on that table the worse it the surgery may affect you. All this can be avoided............enjoy your limits and stretchen them a bit each day....you wil fel good about yourself. you wil smile and in that feeling good and smiling, your battered body will ower u even if only a bit and hel you grow along in a positive future you..............

MY DEATH

i HAVE BEEN IN SO MUCH pAIN i THINK OF THIS OFTEN. why is it against the law to build a funeral pyre for a loved one. you build them for a football game or a girl scoot jamboree but you cant send a soul u to the heaven outside in the air wind sun or rain?that makes no sense to me. I don wantbaggage you have me taking along for the ride............ to be in a coffin. I have nothing again coffins but I am going back to the earth and the universe from which I came. I refer to get back as easily as possible with out all that added . come om think about it. whats the harm. I am not tinking of doing it down main street eas fishkill or 5th avenue manhattan.so why cant I do it????????????????????I have my plans and I let them be known as I go ........................

I am back

I had erased all my journal entries in an effort to protect one of my family but now I don't think that necessary. I wont go into the details of the situation but I will say this.. a lesson you really must think about. put into your mind and save for the day a situation arises. Te day you feel there are little options to safeguard someone you love or the truth of the matter. when that day comes...........................remember........to say something aloud.......let the truth see light of day..you defuse the power of the devil trying to hurt you or your loved ones...........let the truth out......then it cant hurt you anymore.............I know I sound cryptic for someone who just said say it our loud but its not my truth to share..........I wanted to hide whatever clues I gave by deleting my journals..............now I can begin again.........................