OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. MY LEG AND HIP ARE KILLING ME. ITS BEEN GETTING WORSE SINCE THE KIDS CAME TO NY.. Not to mention I havent had a shot in my back or neck for over 6 week so I AM RUNNING ON PURE WILL POWER RIGHT NOW.caps lock keeps locking grrrrrrrrr. Irvs stay in the hospital was very dramatic and painful for him and for me. him for what he ad to suffer under doctors care and me for what I had to suffer trying to stay mobile getting to and from the hospital each and every day until the day I got to take him home.........We stayed in ny until after irv got the ok from his heart doctor and the neorologist . we drove down here in one day..........with cappy , our sick old dog.................................We could not pack as much as we would have liked to pack due to bringing a car this trip and not the van. cappys needs took up ar more space in the car them we had to spare but u do what you must dont you. irv felt great driving his sports like car out on the highway for 12 hours.......................I packed smart. not right but smart. SO if we could nto carry the stuff up to the condo we could bring it up one a day forever. I had what I needed in the first bags I carried up . after that it did not matter/so naturally, he carried everything up that night after traveling for 13 hours.............ugh. hes not human......................
Its a little on the cool side here in sc but thats fine to me...... and I like the rain......I havent left like listening to irvs none stop chatter story telling his tale of woe.........they are never happ stories anymore. alwasy woe. price of gas, the lights left on that cost money ..................on and on and on and on................
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
january 2009
Jan 2009.................jan 11 we went to my daughters house in a snow storm to spend our last day with michael lee and family before they returned to the los angelos.(may it sink into the ocean so my kids come back to ny).........there was only one car in the drive way. my daughters in laws car but I dont know it on sight. it could have been Laura visiting or any other friend. I barely know my own car on sight. I walked in the door to a huge SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! there was family and friends most who had braved a terrible snow storm outside that showed no sign of stopping.......... family I had not seen in awhile because of various reasons that kept us apart even though we were so close in spirit............. it was a magical day. the snow falling outside was like drops of magic sprinkles from the sky/
Hugs, kisses, lot of love and laughter......... this was not a day for me full of drunk like highs.it was a pure feeling of happiness , contentment..........joy. the most zen happiness I have ever had..unless you count those moments when you r new baby is asleep in your arms while your husband is snoring beside you in a warm house with the cold and rain outside. you and yours inside where nothings can harm you........it was a golden day. in a life of many silver and garnet days...............
the next day I dove my son and his family tot he airport .back to their little apartment in burbank california ............with ever mile closer to the airport, the hole in my heart grew bigger ,deeper and wider.
Hugs, kisses, lot of love and laughter......... this was not a day for me full of drunk like highs.it was a pure feeling of happiness , contentment..........joy. the most zen happiness I have ever had..unless you count those moments when you r new baby is asleep in your arms while your husband is snoring beside you in a warm house with the cold and rain outside. you and yours inside where nothings can harm you........it was a golden day. in a life of many silver and garnet days...............
the next day I dove my son and his family tot he airport .back to their little apartment in burbank california ............with ever mile closer to the airport, the hole in my heart grew bigger ,deeper and wider.
WOW......... WHAT A MONTH
2009 arrived with my yin and yang belief in life proven to the max. We had our 2 children here in NY for the holidays . Michael lee stayed until Jan 11 to be here for my 60th birthday. or at least, as close to it as he could get with a job and family to support back in California. It was so so wonderful to watch all 5 grandchildren running around playing together. I am not really a fan of marathon visits. you push yourself, your health.everything. not to waste a minute. live every minute to the max sounds like a real great way to exist but thats just what it is. it is no less existing than doing nothing at all ............... life needs to have balance to judge its moments ............
WELL, WE VISITED AND ATE AND PAYED. I DONT REMEMber US GOING ANYWHERE. hanging out together was all the fun and activity we wanted to do. except for my daughter and daughter in law once they got christmas money.then they wanted to shop .......lol I remember those days....
christmas eve we went to my brothers house. it was so so much fun. my sister has a new man in her lie.well, hes been in it for awhile but this was our first christmas eve together . He is wonderful. All my brothers children were there. only my parents were missing but I really believe, that by next christmas eve, it wont hurt us as much anymore. None of us. It was their choice not to try and be with us at least once a year............ SO the anger we have over the decision is turning into.................... numbness. Good I guess. new years eve Irv and I made very very last minute plans to spend it with old old friends. Then we went to their home where their daughter was waiting to say ho to us with her new beautiful daughter. gigi and I bonded right away.I adore her as if she was my own. just like her mother. we watched mama mia and the ball drop in NYC. we drank champagne....... bad storm outside........love and friendship in side........cappy has been ill ..................we were afraid we might lose him. he is over 12 years old. Irv has had trouble breathing.........and my hip and or leg pain had reached the point I was blind with it night and day........... ugh. Not a great beginning to the new year. but we had so so much to be happy about..........I tried to hold on to that thought but it was not as easy as in years past............
I love my family ....kids, grandkids, sister brother, in laws, neices and nephews.........
WELL, WE VISITED AND ATE AND PAYED. I DONT REMEMber US GOING ANYWHERE. hanging out together was all the fun and activity we wanted to do. except for my daughter and daughter in law once they got christmas money.then they wanted to shop .......lol I remember those days....
christmas eve we went to my brothers house. it was so so much fun. my sister has a new man in her lie.well, hes been in it for awhile but this was our first christmas eve together . He is wonderful. All my brothers children were there. only my parents were missing but I really believe, that by next christmas eve, it wont hurt us as much anymore. None of us. It was their choice not to try and be with us at least once a year............ SO the anger we have over the decision is turning into.................... numbness. Good I guess. new years eve Irv and I made very very last minute plans to spend it with old old friends. Then we went to their home where their daughter was waiting to say ho to us with her new beautiful daughter. gigi and I bonded right away.I adore her as if she was my own. just like her mother. we watched mama mia and the ball drop in NYC. we drank champagne....... bad storm outside........love and friendship in side........cappy has been ill ..................we were afraid we might lose him. he is over 12 years old. Irv has had trouble breathing.........and my hip and or leg pain had reached the point I was blind with it night and day........... ugh. Not a great beginning to the new year. but we had so so much to be happy about..........I tried to hold on to that thought but it was not as easy as in years past............
I love my family ....kids, grandkids, sister brother, in laws, neices and nephews.........
Sunday, January 18, 2009
home again home again. dippidy doooooooo
Irving , my husband had a real heart scare. he has not been breathing well since the summer. short of breathe after stars, carrying the grandkids, playing with the babies.............real concern. he had all the tests done to man but they all came back negative for any help in finding a cause...........a friend from the beach...actual he lives near our home in NY but we never see them except in myrtle beach.............. boy we miss being there right now. anyway, he went in for a test that lead to a stint that ed to a scare ...........He is home now but he isnt really breathing correctly yet.so while it is good they found underlining problems, we may still be on the search for the reason he has lose of breathe..........I have to get all m ducks in a row.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
resolutions
new years resolutions begin for most of us on january 1 of a new year but having a birthday so early in January, I have always used my birthday Jan 12 as my new years day. So with it 2 days away, I have decided to begin my list. think carefully so I do not emba
rrass myself not fulfilling the damn thing.................lol
Fitst i mean to gt healty even if it does mean surgery...ugh
second I mean to sing every day . to remind me of life and the joy in it.third I mean to write every day but books and stories I may sell or put on stage. every day one hour ar least
I am notorious for ha
fiFi1um ber one is to accept Irving or he child he is. I married him for his loving childlike peppy I mu personality and
now those say attributes are runing me into the grave. I have to let him be him and learn to manage around it,
2aing every day, to remind me to love live
3 lose weight that I now beleive in adding to my medical problems.
40 to 50 lbs.
4 go on 2 trips one to carribeanwith he entire family and one to europe.
5
wish and ask my angels for assistance to get my sons famiy bach here to me...............please darlins I need this . they need this........
rrass myself not fulfilling the damn thing.................lol
Fitst i mean to gt healty even if it does mean surgery...ugh
second I mean to sing every day . to remind me of life and the joy in it.third I mean to write every day but books and stories I may sell or put on stage. every day one hour ar least
I am notorious for ha
fiFi1um ber one is to accept Irving or he child he is. I married him for his loving childlike peppy I mu personality and
now those say attributes are runing me into the grave. I have to let him be him and learn to manage around it,
2aing every day, to remind me to love live
3 lose weight that I now beleive in adding to my medical problems.
40 to 50 lbs.
4 go on 2 trips one to carribeanwith he entire family and one to europe.
5
wish and ask my angels for assistance to get my sons famiy bach here to me...............please darlins I need this . they need this........
Friday, January 9, 2009
Come Home NOWWWWWWWWWW!!!
I want my son to come back to NY...........I want him to bring his family here where we can help him . Where we can see the kids more often and have some influence in their lives........If he doesn't come home some day in the near future, I wont be able to go on. I REALLY WONT. I DID NT CALL OR SPEAK MUCH TO HIM FOR OVER 3 MONTHS BECAUSE I WOULD NT THINK OF ANY ThING TO SAY THAT WOULD NT LEAD TO A CONFRONTATION REGARDING HS CHOICE TO STAY IN CA.He is not doing any better out there than he could be doing here in NY. I think he is doing worse than he could be doing here. He could achieve everything he hopes to achieve right here with us helping him get out more often to attain it. they cant even go out for a dinner as a couple unless someone comes across the country on a trip and watches the kids while they visit. that's obsurd. its not necessary in their case.
New Beginnings jan 12, 2009
I had deleted all my journals in an attempt to safe guard my granddaughter from something that could have hurt her life forever. But in the past few months things have changed. as in all things. things are ever changing. Shy {we wil use her nickname} knows the truth of her life and is handing it so well. better than some adults I know who faced much the same thing. I am so so proud of her maturity and her comfort in the fact that those people around her now who have been around her love her deeply , truly and forever..........So I can go back to my journal keeping.
I urn 60 in 2 days. but I move like a woman of 80. I look like my father at 83. I try not to let it defeat me. but in my defense, this time of year I usually go into a depression, grand funk that lasts about the month long. I have read it is a very usual thing but I believe for me it is a nuclear blow up because of the fact my birthday Christmas and Hanukkah etc etc etc are all wrapped up in it..ugh I will survive.
Life does not get harder and harder as you get older. sure the medical problems may escalate as the years go on but the reason we all feel like get harder is because its the same problems , the same weights on our shoulders and our minds. we manage to work through them but we don't really solve them or get rid of them so therefore. we face them over and over again as the year go on and that my dears is what gets harder........facing the same troubles over and over again. If you come to terms with the yin and yang of yor own personal life. those things that are in your life and will remain in your life until the day you pass on, you will be better equipped to flow through it rather that hit it like a brick wall. over and over again. your siblings, your mother in law. who yor mother loves best. who your boss advanced over you............on and on and on.........So whenever you can , wipe the slate clean and begin again.............it doesn't matter how many times you begin again. it matters that you did not give up and DID begin again. each time, you will find you have something less on your plate to deal with. something that doesn't see quite as important as it did before.Something that life took are of for you. Something so much more troubling that to worry or fret over this or that other thing seems so silly and wasteful. Actually the truth is.it is..................you life and then you dy. who yo spoke with . who loved you or didn't like you. who got that promotion or new car................next to a grave......none of it seems important. you could have been hugging a child or singing a song. but you were battling something that could not be changed and did not really matter in the end...........at the grave, no one thinks of anything except if the person was loved or a good person. Did you take up space or matter in someones life?????????????????
I urn 60 in 2 days. but I move like a woman of 80. I look like my father at 83. I try not to let it defeat me. but in my defense, this time of year I usually go into a depression, grand funk that lasts about the month long. I have read it is a very usual thing but I believe for me it is a nuclear blow up because of the fact my birthday Christmas and Hanukkah etc etc etc are all wrapped up in it..ugh I will survive.
Life does not get harder and harder as you get older. sure the medical problems may escalate as the years go on but the reason we all feel like get harder is because its the same problems , the same weights on our shoulders and our minds. we manage to work through them but we don't really solve them or get rid of them so therefore. we face them over and over again as the year go on and that my dears is what gets harder........facing the same troubles over and over again. If you come to terms with the yin and yang of yor own personal life. those things that are in your life and will remain in your life until the day you pass on, you will be better equipped to flow through it rather that hit it like a brick wall. over and over again. your siblings, your mother in law. who yor mother loves best. who your boss advanced over you............on and on and on.........So whenever you can , wipe the slate clean and begin again.............it doesn't matter how many times you begin again. it matters that you did not give up and DID begin again. each time, you will find you have something less on your plate to deal with. something that doesn't see quite as important as it did before.Something that life took are of for you. Something so much more troubling that to worry or fret over this or that other thing seems so silly and wasteful. Actually the truth is.it is..................you life and then you dy. who yo spoke with . who loved you or didn't like you. who got that promotion or new car................next to a grave......none of it seems important. you could have been hugging a child or singing a song. but you were battling something that could not be changed and did not really matter in the end...........at the grave, no one thinks of anything except if the person was loved or a good person. Did you take up space or matter in someones life?????????????????
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