the yin and yang

tomorrow I face a operatioing table for me something to be feared and ran from at every challange but when your time comes and you must lay down if you want the quality of your life be be better than it has been ,,,unfortuanlley bd.you must take this chance and jump into the dep end of th epool hoping for the experience toend in a sinerero you invision and will accept only that vision of the deed done and you more healthy , more active feeling the best you have n years with a promiss of many years to come of more and better and surprises.life a total JOY to live and share with thodr you love and care for...............this is my secret,,my rock

to be loved and know it

We have all heard and said how we wish we could know while we are live how those we know and love think of us . well. I am going in for a surgery on tuesday and from all the calls and e mails I go today..boy do I feel loved. undeservedly.but loved......none the less. I had a very profound piece to write here I remember it. get the lap top out and before I can get to the keys>>>>>>>>>>its gone..ugh I hate that..............But I will get to it I promise.............

here we go

this tuesday I go into the hospital . I have never been admitted into a hospital except to have 2 babies. I dont have a good feeling about going in. whenever I do anything it goes haywire in a weird and funny way. so I can see it coming. ugh......... well, there is a rain storm outside right now. thunder and lightning show. I 'd like to think its here for me . laws of attraction sent it to me........I have 2 grandchildren in my bed and I lay on the sofa cuddling with my husband this afternoon. my dog is cuddled up next to me ( hes afraid of the thunder but I'll take the loven...lol. I got to im with my son for a bit tonight and I hope to hold and hug my granddaughter tomorrow. tomorrow nihgt I will go on the web cam and talk to my 2 darlin grandbabies out in los angelos. the land of the lost to me. maybe Ill read them a book. my mother has been calling me every day on the phone and sent me an envelope with 9 1 cent stamps in it. no note. just the stamps. go figure.......thats my life and I love it. I love it all. I hope to finish my last draft of rainy days tomorow night . pack my stuff for the hospital and rehab. finish settig up my house to look a bit cleaned up and organized..why lie but thats what I want .. a clean up organized house. and maybe a will and living will too,,,,,,,,,,,lets get itall done.live or die

Life at 60

dont let them kid you , there is no life at 60. at 60 you become the lab rats for all the generations before you and after you. My husband was a strong healthy man . now he is a shell of the man he was and will be again. I am on my last leg. literally. I do not have much hope for this procedure. and neither of us want to lose what months we must give up to get better if we ever do get better,,.. like I SAID LAB RATS.and who tells lab rats the truth. I have to make out my will and my living will. plus decide once and for all which cell phone I prefer. the lotus or the touch screen. too much to do . too much to do

nn

heart ache

every night my heart ackes. I wonder sometimes if it is my medical history coming to get me.heart disease and stroke or if its my own heart acke over my family broken and gone from me on both sides of the country. this large country. now I face surgery wondering if I know more than the doctors know and this is not a good thing to do to be bu the beginning of a hurt I will not ever be able to fix once its done to me.....................surgury. how can it be elective if you did nt vote for it and you dont want it done to your body>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

what a week

jeff hangs himself. irv gets an epidural that makes all his nerve ending hurt. then he gets a bad cough which racks his body with pain every cough. my hip doesnt hurt but I am scheduled for hip replacement,jody has a massive stroke. is brain dead . its takes a week to sign all th papers to turn off her life support . my poor son in law must do the deed. today s her funeral. mothers day we felt ugh.dont ask..........cappy is so blind he walks into every wall and neds constant companionship.........I havent seen my parents in so long I cant recall the date and if I dont go before this surgery I wont See them for at least 3 to 6 more months...................the house work is too much for me to do. the laundry being in the basement is a never...........but other than that things are great.............

forgive me

this is sort of a resolution list. make beleive is new years eve. welll every day is the first day of the rest of your life isnt it.......so this is my new beginning.

no junk
eat low cholestrol menus
exercise a few minutes a day. maybe get that number up some year
write every day.
never tellm y family anything serious. they really dont want to hear it
tey really dont want to help with it. they really dont want to nurse me through it mental or physically.
so treat eac visit liek I did when I had to see my mother in law those few tmes a year we coud not get me out of it. There was ittle weoth fighting ove since I would not be seeing her for a while. it did not matter how she felt I should handle anything or I care how she handle somethig in her life as I was going to go my way in a few hurs and she would go hers............so......................who cares what was said. therefore why say it......................so this it will be once again. all we wil have is movies books , movie stars. w do not speak of religion or politics . too volital. we do not soeak of sports much either. but I could learn about that if it widened our scope.

my granddaughter

I have come to a realization. the reason grandparents get so so into their grandchildren and the Joy they bring to their lives is because the grandchildren come to us at a time in our lives when most of our children GROW UP. they no longer come to us , running with a hug and kiss. they dont look at us with unconditional love . they don't consider time spent with us to be a pleasure but a burden , a chore and a duty. grandchildren give that all back to us.................my granddaughter gave this to me but now she is a teenager and that time as past. luckily I have 2 others coming up the rear to love me , talk t me hug me, hold me. care what I think . care if I hurt. look forward to spending time with me........... but maybe this is a time we older adults should learn to let go like the animals in the wild. teach your cubs how to survive then leave them to make their own lives.................... Can I do that?????????? dont think so. Im the type would would love to buy a huge house on the water with roos enough for the entire family and for them to bring there children and friends. enough room for all. waltons , dan in real life........A home for the generations of family.

should I or should I not

I am beginning to feel I have rushed to judgement with this surgery I have planned for next week. maybe if I down a ton or two, Id feel the hip less and be able to put this surgery off for 10 years or so. So what if I cant go to myrtle beach for the winter. I was thinking of passing next year anyway..............I cant walk much or often. That only means I choose my reasons for walking more carefully.
DOes everyone think what if I dont wake up tomorrow>>>>>>>.what illnes will get me i think for me it wil e stroke or heart attc. and of the two I prefer the heart attack. I do not want to be a burden to my ids . mu husband will get so angry sure i brought it on myslef. I sure do not want to see that .no way..........

funerals

Happy mothers day.yeah right .do u ever get the point where you face an upcoming holiday even one made for you and you say to yourself.oh no...............I can remember as a child feeling depressed and alone when holidays arrived. they had nothing for me. I was alone . One a holiday I felt more alone if that is possible. then I grew up , got married , had a family and holidays became the fairy tale happy ending movie I always knew they could be. then..I dont know how, I dont know when. holidays became work. became something that would make me more tired than I already was.............. Well yesterday was mothers day. I was a lovely time at my daughters in laws. The other mother and I were a bit upset because our kids seen to care more for near strangers and freinds than for family. They think they are family minded but when irv was in the hospital......no visit and when she did, she counted the minutes. when his aunt was dying and his fahter would have liked his support at the hospital. he did not coe. for good reason.. they are so so overwhekmed by life but no matter now much life brings them down. if a frined calls in trouble or dying. they are johnny on the spot for marathon visits , wakes and meeting at the bar afterwards to soothetheir grief..................ugh...............................

mothers day 2009

Today was mothers days 2009 it began a bit dicy as we had the little one over while our daghter went abojut the final arrangement for the funral of a young lady who had a stroke .her lif upport has to be turned off and she had no next of kin so dennis and melanie as is Melanies way.jumped in as the heros taking on all the pain anguish and lack of sleep to see the deed done. unfortunatey those around dennis and Melnie had to rearrnge their lives too . My objection to thier commentment and the ojection of dennis family too is that this all could have been tken care of with much less fuss , stain and stress to all concerned.............you could take turns being their at the hospital , the funeral, even the wake. which you really do not need to attend.after wakes are for the benefit of those living left behind Since this poor girl has no one left behind. a short prayer hug wishing her peace in the here after would be enough..................This has long been an issue with me and many others not just me. family should come first. Not Friends. yes family can drive you crazy and often bea person you wish you never met. In those rare exceptions, do it. takeyourself away from that relationship forever. but for the normal bikering of daily life sibling rivalry et etc...they are still family . make a point to see them, interact with them and god forbid in the case of death or hospital stay..be there for them..............irv was in the hospital he did not get the visits or the caring these others got. irvs Mather died. melanies grandma . not the best of woman but you attend the funeral for those left behind. in this case melanies dad who needed the loving and the help to empty his mothers house. the huse he had shared with her for over 50 years.............come on kids. stop this is all about me........my generation ....have some manners, some caring............for those god saw fit to make your mother , your sister, your brother................always live close enough to see your family.. to share a sunday dinner...........to help out when someine is ill. show up with chicken soup. stay and watch a bit of t before you drive home. keep a lonely relative company once or twice a week,for an hour or two.........................family............if everyone did this for their family, friends who not be needed to step in where only family shoud be............

BEGINNING AND ENDING

IT AS BEEN A SAD CHAPTER FOR THIS FAMILY. FOR ME. PAIN WITH NO RELEIFE IN SIGHT. NOW I MUST TRUST TO A SGERY i DONT WANT AND DONT REALLY BELIEVE I NEED, A GOOD FRIEND DIED LAST WEEK BY HIS OWN HAND HIS WEEK A YOUJNG FREIND OF MY DAUGHTER HAD A STROKE BRAIN DEAD. SHE HAD NO FAMILY TO TURM OFF THE VENTILATOR . NO ONE TO GIVE HER A FUNERAL. SHE WAS ALONE IN THIS WORLD. SO MY SON IN LAW AND AND DAUGHTER COULD NOT TURN THEIR BACKS N HER. THEY SOENT EVERY MINUTE OF THIS ORDEAL AT THE HOSPITAL AND WILL CONTNUE TO BE THERE UNTIL THE BODY IS DROPPED INT HER RESTING PLACE. POOR KIDS. mY CHILDREN ALL OF FINANCIAL WOOS OF THEIR OWN. SO MASSAVE, IT WOULD BRING LESSER CHILDREN TO THEIR KNEES...BUT THEY DO WHAT THEY CAN AND SMILE FOR THIER CHILDREN THROUGH IT ALL. i fear more a stroke or heart attach. I am td I am now at high rish. I try to help myself but I cant shed th weight the meds keep on me..... I do all I can t keep a positve mind and soul and heart but when you see your children suffer, it can bring you to your knees. I do still harbor hope I will find way to brig money int my mitte family and give them some little base on which t rebuild their homes and dreams.................Its my deepest and only wish. even more thanmy own health and ear of death at this srgery, fear I may not heal well. pain has been my compainion for 35 years. I dread the idea od 35 more but I will gladly trade my health , my life if it helps my children t find contentment joy and happiness void of financial woe..........................This is my prayer.......... If I cant HAE MY CHILDREM BOTH HERE TO LOVE BY ME, SEE HE SUNDAYS FOR DINNER HOLIDYS ALWASY TOGETHER.........THERE IS NOTHING MORE i WANT OF THIS WORLD,,,,THE PAIN IN MY BODY TOGETHER WITH THE PAIN OF MY HEART CUT IN TWO ..ONE HALP IN CALIFORNIA..ONE HALF IN NEW YORK.ITS TOO TOO MUCH T BEAR..........

enough is enough

terrible terrible terrible...........this has been the worst time of our life,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,How do people manage through this river of pain???? I need the hip replaced.many of our friends homes in sc burned to the ground last week some vowed not to rebuild. move back from wenst they came.....sad...........terrible, terrible. our dear friend dead last week...a dear friend o my son in law stroked...brain dead,...needs plug pulled no family to do it....so sad. an old friend I don't see often lost s child to an anurisnin his 30's and her husband a week later to cancer, this is all in one week the same week................death is NOT taking a holiday................................it seems to be trying to fill a quota,,,,,irvs blood clot. dannika congectivitious and ear infections. i am done.............enough is enough...........truely.

mothers day wish list

a beach chair with an ottoman and an mbrella to sit by the pool.
shalamar
new deep pocketbook
games for cell phone
a couple new dvds
my house painted
a cruise..................................................

terrible.....sweet.good.bad

this has been quite a week in a series of quite a week. I have been scheduled for hip surgery. a very dear friend committed suicide. irv went in for a epidural shot . the next day he went down to his knees screaming in pain.he had a blood clot. it took me another 24 hours to gt him to go to the hospital to do whatever needed doing. he is still in the hospital. he comes home tomorrow. Poor guy. I went to the funeral today alone and the wake afterwards. then home to my dog who I think has had it. it may be time to put him to sleep. I have to come up with a decent manner of for all of us to say goodbye to him. especially for the kids. I saw today we feel deep grief so deep it nearly breaks us. But we have a power to feel the lost person in r hearts . Through that feeling , its as if they were not dead but somewhere away on a trip or vacation. They will come back. we will see them again. we dont mind not knowing when. the passing depth of grief is happy to give over to the illusion in our hearts. I am overwhelmed with my own depression. The only peace I find are in those moments I a tricking my own mind into thinking my parents are retrning to NY this week to live ot the rest of their lives. My son is going to surprise me on my doorsteep with his family in toe moving back home to NY with us to begin until he gets on his feet. I wil wake up tomorrow 50 pounds lighter. I will feel no pain every again . I will be able to run and dance and jump. Mostly I will be able to take long walks onthe beach with my darling husband. depression is an illness I feelwe all suffer from. whether we tak emedicatio for it or not. whether it was diagnosed or not. We all suffer from it and need to find ways to rise above it. methods to keep it at bay......... Life is too sweet. too magic and wonderful to be lost to a silent demon running chemically through our bodies assited by the outside forces of the negative sadness or money woos we suffer each day........... at the very least. call a friend or a family member. say hello. I love you. Share these small moments and the rest of your day will rise up to greet yu with happiness, joy . At the very least contentment. and there is alot to be said for being content...........